C'est · la · vie.Ceci · l'est.

I woke up this morning, sick but optimistic.

My throat had gotten drier, redder, and well..bigger. So a visit to the doctors was long overdue... I go, get the Z-pac, feel a sigh of releif as I drop it off knowing my mother will pick it up.

After a long fiasco, of my phone dieing mom forgetting, 7:30 comes around and I am just now putting my 1 day 2 pill combination in my mouth. I sit down to finally enjoy some Yoshis and Extreme makeover. 10:00 comes around and I hear my mother beckoning me at the top of the stairs, she is sniffling.

She comes downstairs only to tell me that my estranged vietnam vet uncle has died. You know the worst thing about this entire story? I didnt cry, I didnt feel bad, I didnt even feel sympathy for my mother. I felt anger and resentment towards my uncle for screwing up my christmas, he never took care of his diabetes, or did he find his families opinion very important. He was "an old vet coger" he was nuts, kinda silly at times, but always loving, and always told me how much I looked like my mother. I'm actually getting more emotional now than I was an hour ago. Wow.

I met someone, its a new feeling, a good feeling, kinda scary....we'll see.

oh yeah thanksgiving ruled by the way!

I have so many things that are up in the air. Not that I dont mind it, I like a little mystery in my life, but damn. I wish I could decide on SOMETHING! I feel like if I do make a decision something is going to come along and make me change my mind, and then I'll be stuck wanting something other than what I have. (This pertaining to no individual thing)

I miss Corrina. I dont really get to talk to her that much, especially that my phone is not working anymore, and I just miss her. I got a letter from her that almost made me cry. I just, gosh, I want to be able to just drive over to her house, and sit down and tell her all these things that are in my life right now, but I cant. I wish I could, but shes up there, and I'm here...still.

Things with Jeff are good. Hes a wonderful person, and I enjoy spending time with him so much. It's just, I dont know what it is about being intimate with someone, I cant, I just cant. I'm not even talking about sex, I'm talking about any sort of lovey dovey expression, I just cant do it.I dont want to do it. Dont get me wrong, there are times that he looks at me and I want to just jump on him! I"ve been told that its completely normal to feel that way after what I've experienced. So, I'm just going with what everyone else has told me.

I think the Charleston trip will be a good one. Me, Nicole, Jeff and Shannon are going down to Char-town to get some pent up City air out of our lungs....I want no...slash that.... I NEED to go to the beach, I dont care if it rains the whole time, I just want to be on the beach, looking at the ocean, with three of my favorite people beside me. I cant wait!

OH MY GOSH

O.k, so I just got up to use the restroom, and theres this fish that is behind me, I dont know if I've talked about him yet, but I decided to name him Gus. Well, as I walking to go to the bathroom, I just saw that Gus died. Wow, the ladies just took him and put him the ladies bathroom in the hall, "a burial at sea" is what they called it. They're nuts. But they sure are funny.

Wont be hearing from me for a bit, I leave for Char-town tommorow. Be back Sunday, PEACE!

"I like my clothes to be tight enough to show I'm a woman... but loose enough to show I'm a lady"-Mae West

So, I'm.... you guessed it at work.

I've been thinking alot about my life today.... have no idea why, just thinking of all the things that are going on right now....

Mom wants to get rid of Jax, and I dont blame her, why would I want something to remind me of my last relationship? (Saying that in the nicest way possible) plus, hes insane. The dog doesnt know anything, and whenever I have another guy over, he freaks out. I almost feel like hes judging me when he sees me with Jeff. I dont know, its almost like having a child after a divorce.....haha but not really.

My room that I've been trying to fix up for my mother is finally done, the only thing I need to do now are get frames for some pictures that go on the wall. It feels good to come home to a room that is (in so many words) more mature.

I'm still in the process of things with Appalachian, I think tonight I am going to say screw it, and do an online application AGAIN! Or at least get in contact with someone who will call a sista back....sheeze.

I had a great talk last night, like really talked, and alot of things came out of me that I didnt realize were there. I'm angry, about so many different things, I'm angry about the past relationships I've had, I'm angry about going back to school last January. I should have just stayed home, and went to CPCC, then I'd already be at Appalachian.

"But should of's, would of's, and could of's dont matter, you live for the present, today, that is where Gods blessings will be"

Anyway, so for right now, my goal, the only real thing important to me is the following school semester. I'm setting my goals higher for relationships, and giving up drinking as of today. I know it isnt like I drank every night, but for a while, I felt that the only way my friends and I have fun is by drinking, which is not the lifestyle I want to be living.

As far as my social life, good greif...
I have the most loyal friends a girl could ask for. They are so forthright and honest, and caring. Just when I feel like my basket is about to fall, they make me realize the beauty in life, that there is so much out there that I have yet to accomplish. They make me feel that life is awesome, that I can really do anything I want. And basically that I'm the most gorgeous thing that ever hit this earth....haha.

On the friend note, I do have one friend that was going through a tough time with her beau. She had just broken up with her boyfriend and the situation had waaaay too much grey area. But she said she was fine with it, and that she could deal with it, well the other night, I laid into her, maybe a little too hard, but I had just wanted so desperatly to see that he wasnt worth it, he was being a toad head and she is lovely. Well after basically making her cry and then soon pissing her off, I found the next day, a different person. She had talked to him, and things were said and his butt was shown, and she cried and let it all out and then realized, its done. I'm done, I'm going to get on with my life. The reason for me putting this in my journal is because I'm so proud of her, it takes guts to let go of a 2 year relationship, and she did.

Not that tears dont visit us every now and then, or the occasional song sneaks onto our radio that we immediatly turn off, but we are living. After both her and I were in pergatory relationships, we found a way out of it, I just wish she could have found an easier one, like I did. But, sometimes doing things the harder way makes you stronger, and maybe just a little bit wiser.

So off to the extravegant lifestyle that is mine aka answering phones, sorting out mail, dealing with middle aged men...
tata
Blake

P.S- Shannon and I have the worst list of guilty pleasures
-Gossip Girl
-Grey's Anatomy
-The Hills
-Rock of love ♥

So I'm at work...like actual work... I'm typing and answering phone calls and sorting out files.... I even have one of those silly radios that are tuned down so low you can only hear a faint twain country song playing...nice.
Things have been coming along quite smoothly, if I do say so myself. I met a boy and he seems to be quite a catch, but I'm not falling for anything too soon. I'm not going to have a boyfriend for a wwwwwwwwhhhhiiiilllee.
To be honest with you, and myself, I dont think I'd be good at it.
I'm getting my appalachian university stuff together...but I dont want to out-right say to Corrina that I'm going....b/c what if at the last minute (which I've been known to do) I change my mind....but I have come to the realization that its time to grow up.... become an adult, you cant sit there and let all of lifes little problems get to you.
I have gotten along quite nicely being back in town and all.... my friends....they never cease to amaze me, and I cant begin to tell you how thankful I am to have Miss. Shannon here, she is such a wonderful person AND we're dating on facebook, its hawt.
Well, thats about it for now... I'm going to go back to work and figure out where the W2's go...haha, dont feel bad, I dont know what a W2 is either! haha.

Blake

I'm sitting here thinking of everything that has been going on in my life... I feel like I've grown alot as a person, but at the same time, I wont reach my high, untill I leave this place. It stinks because I really have come to love this place and the people that live here. I've met my reaching point when it came to my ex boyfriend. I have figured that no matter how hard it hurts, its best to leave things unsaid...and unfixed. Some situations you just cannot fix..... if a person is an a-hole, they are an a-hole. I'm finally figureing out what I want for myself, what I want to do with my life... I've even found someone to go to church with me, which I never thought would happen. My cup truly runneth over when it comes to the people I've recently met. I know proabobly none of this makes sense since it is 7 45 in the morning... I just felt like I had to say this...

But I will admit, as much of an a-hole he has been, I miss him... I dont know if its entirely him, but I do miss having that person to come home to... that person to cuddle with or talk to when your upset...but on that note, I know for a fact, that when I find another, it will be with eyes open, and my heart NOT on a silver platter.

If They know of him at all, many folks think Ben Stein is just a quirky
actor/comedian who talks in a monotone. He's also a very intelligent attorney
who
knows how to put ideas and words together in such a way as to sway juries
and make people think clearly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday
Morning Commentary.

Here with a few confessions from my beating heart: I have no freaking clue
who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly
when I am buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers
at the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are either. Who
are they? Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they have
broken up? Why are they so important?
I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do not care at all about Tom
Cruise's wife.
Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I am a
subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are. If this
is
what it means to be no longer young, it's not so bad.
Next confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not
bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up,
bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel
discriminated
against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't
think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact,
I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating
this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger
scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If
people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred
yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think
Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who
believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no
idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country.
I can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it being shoved down my
throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we
should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we
understand Him?
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.
But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from
and where the America we knew went to.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a
little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's
intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson
asked her "How could God let something like this Happen?" (regarding Katrina)
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I
believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've
been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and
to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has
calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His
protection if we demand He leave us alone?" (She said the same thing when
interviewed after 9-11)
In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I
think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found
recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. the Bible says
thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself.
And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they
misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might
damage
their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert
should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they
don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers,
their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I
think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the
world's going to hell.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible
says.
Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire
but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice
about sharing.
Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through
cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and
workplace.
Are you laughing?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on
your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will
think of you for sending it.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than
what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one
will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back
and complain about what bad shape the world is in.
My Best Regards .. honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein

Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, and just stare, whether it's at the ceiling or the wall, I've even caught myself looking at Talon while he's asleep. It sounds so cliche, but I wake up in a cold sweat worrying if I'm living my life too safe. I dont understand, I wanted to find someone so bad, and now that I have, I think maybe it's too soon to settle down for the rest of my life.... but each time I think I just need to move on, I look at him. I could never leave him, he has too much hold on me, I've put too much of myself into him. We are more than just a couple now, it's like we are soul mates, an equal balance of fighting and pure happiness. I love him, more than I ever thought was possible..... so why am I so damn scared? I dont like waking up every 4 hours in the night. I dont like doubting myself just because a lack of sleep. But I do love him, more now than ever.

I found a picture of Garrett and I, it was at Sandi's sweet 16 party, and he had just had his surgery done. I was sitting on his lap and he all swollen was just smiling as big as ever. I showed Talon, mostly just to admire a piece of my history, he told me to throw it away..... and I did.... I still regret that for some reason.

School has been so crazy, meeting new people, having new classes, it's almost like there is no other world when I am here. My mother has been sending me long heartfelt voice messages to come home and see the family for the weekend, "Talon can come too!", she says. But it's not about Talon, it's not about seeing my family. It's about how empty it feels to drive into a town that I dont necessarily view as my safe zone. My house, I still love my house, but the actual town of Huntersville, it's filled with memories. Like pins and needles for me to go to Yoshi's. I sit there...alone, thinking of all the times, I've scavenged money to go and eat those wonderful meals. I miss laughing till my stomach hurt and then talking about it more to the point of an asthma attack. I dont understand how I didnt relish in all the nights I lay on my back with the hot asphalt creek sizzling after it rained. I miss dancing in the rain.... I miss her. No eliquent words, or phrases, pure and simple, this sucks.

heres what I've learned

Never say never, because right when you have accepted your fate and realize something will never happen to you, it will, and it will hit harder than you ever expected, sometimes this isnt a bad thing, sometimes this is a great thing, but either way, it hurts.

Dont go to your local restraunt and order something that sounded pretty, get what YOU know you like.... we are in college and the money we have to spend out to eat is very little, so use it wisely by ordering food you know you'll love.

wear heels

dont ever not take a call from your best friend, I dont care if its 5 in the after noon or 5 in the morning, they are there for you and you should be there for them. Even if you have an exam in 3 hours and someone needs to talk......talk.

Never drink Evan Williams and expect a good night.

Leave your dorm door open, you'll never guess what will walk in.

Always dream, dream big, even if you think it wont happen, its always fun to dream, dreaming keeps the imagination alive, and your imagination keeps you young at heart, therefore, I will never be old if I just dream.

Keep old photos of you up, even for your boyfriend to see, yeah you were geeky, so what? That's a part of why you are the way you are today.

dont whore around, casual sex is so overrated.

When it comes to other people's feelings, respect them, dont degrade someone because you feel inadequate.

When a person says I love you, whether its your friend/mom/boyfriend, say I love you back, no matter how mad you are at them.

always have time to be spontaneous.

Dress up when you can.

Smile.

Dont hold feelings in , write, rant, scream, do whatever you have to, to get it out, and over with.

Most of all, never forget, this is your youth. As deep and involved as you might want to seem, live it up, be happy! Drink! Dont think too much into what might come, but what is happening right now......

and most of all....never ignore your families phone calls..... they're your family, love them while you can!

These moments in my life are very rare, where I am absolutely content with everything. I'm so happy to where God has led me to this point in my life. I feel like at any moment I could lose almost everything I have, because for once, I have alot to lose.

At first the girls here, I couldnt stand. But now, I've come to love them for what they are. Yes, they are materialistic and at times stuck up.... but there are a select few that are truly interesting and that I feel a connection with. My roommate for next year is so sweet, and she has a boyfriend that is friends with Talon (I know... how 50's) but it really does help.

I'll be living in the village next year. Which I am so super stoked about. It's bascially like a condo that you share with other people, and thank the lord Carcy is my roommate, because her and I share one characteristic that is wonderful. We are not girly.... but we are..... you understand, and even if you dont, I'm gonna pretend.

Talon. Talon is amazing. I dont know how else to describe him. He is......... I'm just so blessed to have found someone like him. I love him. More than I could.
He's planning a suprise for me today!!!! YAY!
Oh yeah... and yesterday was our 2 month...

I'm so excited for Saturday.... (Which if you didnt know) Talon and Carcy are coming home with me for Easter. I'm excited to see if my brothers like him or not. Which I know they will......

Anyway, I've got a 5 page paper due tommorow so I should proabobly get on that.... and well, I just wanted everyone to know I'm doing great, and Ice Age 2/ Crash/ Brokeback Mountain are great movies.... go see 'em!!!!

I love the fact I have Corrina.
I love the fact I got to suprise my momma by bringing Talon down for the day yesterday.
I love the fact my brother took me aside yesterday and told me to hold on to this one.."this is the first one where your just as lucky to have him as he is to have you"
I love my new North Face jacket...SUCKAAAS
I love being able to be happy and doing well in school.
I love my big ass bed.
I love cuddling with him.
I love making out.
I love great pictures which really dont do it b/c the stories are better.
I love my noisey refrigerator.
I love my stupid car and how Talon doesnt look right driving it.
I love my friends at Brevard and back home.
I love Charlie and Dan....it was so great seeing them.
I love falling asleep in his arms....he's sooo comfy.
I love falling for him.
I love my stupid cell phone and how it's decided to not let all calls go through...which is sort of a blessing since some people I'd rather not talk to.
I love my family.
I love me.
I love him.

My mom and I were talking last night.... she was so shocked that I dont really wear makeup anymore.... since I've gone to the tanning bed, I really dont see a reason to do it.
She loves Talon.... all my family does. And I'm glad, I finally got one. I'm so incredibly happy about everything... I'm just holding on to this feeling for as long as possible... cause lord knows, when one area of your life goes well, another part falls to peices.... I'm hoping it's just my time to be happy. My mom started crying when Talon went to get gas for Sylvia. She was like, "I would give a billion dollars to have a man that good looking look at me the way he looks at you" haha.... I love it....

On another wierd note, Megans baby shower is the 18th.....I'm pissed off.... I dont want to go, I dont want to see her, I just dont want any of it..... but, I dont know.... we'll see I guess....

-Blake

"Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers"